“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Just One or Two of Those Months

I know you have had a bad day, but have you ever had a bad two months?  I am so glad March & April  are over.  We have had sickness, and more sickness, ickiness, and just blah-ness.  The best thing is we did get to go to Disney World for a few days in March, but even that seemed rushed.  I absolutely wore out my kids which probably didn't help with the sickness.  Pollen  attacked with a vengeance, and we needed a Spring Break from our Spring Break. April just brought more pollen, but at least things calmed down before May and all the end-of-the-year festivities

I have been in such a funk.  I have been so self-absorbed lately.  Wallowing in my own self-pity about this, that, and the other.  I totally feel as though Murphy's law has taken residence at my house. The sad thing is, I just don't know if the upcoming months are going to be any better.

I am just so frustrated. My plan for my life and God's plan for my life are not on the same page right now.  I don't even think we are in the same book. It is really hard to release my control (or at least my idea of control since it is clear I have control over nothing) and have faith that God's plan is so much better than anything I could imagine. I am just having a hard time seeing the whole picture  Boy, oh boy, is my faith shaky.  I haven't lost it, but it is not on solid ground at the moment.

Then, I  start feeling guilty for even wavering or feeling sorry for myself, because I know I have it a lot better than some others out there. Still, my problems are still problems that I would like to see go away.

DO YOU SEE MY INNER CONFLICT? I feel like I am in a bitter battle between what I want, and what I need, and whether either of those two things are anywhere close to what God has planned.

Maybe I should pray for some clarity.